“Never criticize a person until you’ve walked a mile in their moccasins.”  Have you ever heard that proverb?  It’s not in the Bible, although it sounds a lot like some of the things we remember Jesus saying, like “Judge not lest ye be judged” (Matthew 7:1), and “You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” (Matthew 7:5)  Jesus never wrote a blog post, “Top Five Tips for Getting Along with Others”.  But he did give us many new rules when it comes to relationships.

I call them new rules because, although you may have heard them taught about in church for years, Jesus’ rules for relationships are likely different than ones you learned in your family or school or hometown.  In my small hometown, judging others was a legitimate pastime!  That’s why I was so surprised to see the proverb, “Never criticize a person until you’ve walked a while in their moccasins” posted in the front of my tenth-grade social studies class.  Being open minded, being curious, giving other people the benefit of the doubt—these were not new concepts.  I had heard of them!  I’m sure I even heard these things mentioned in church.  But as a community, we did not live out Jesus’ teaching.  We were still following the old rules, rules developed in a sinful world, instead of following Jesus’ rules.

Paul wrote about this phenomenon.  He said we were taught to put off our old selves, which is corrupted by sinful desires, and instead put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.  Yet he noticed a lot of Christians we still living according to their old selves.  This is the work of discipleship:  to take off our old sinful and/or uninformed selves, and put on Christ in every area of our lives.  That is why we spent the last six weeks talking about caring for creation.  God cares about what we put in the trash, and whether or not we conserve water, and what climate action steps we are taking!  God is calling us to put on new, responsible stewards selves!  And if God cares about how we treat the earth, God must care even more about how we treat each other.  All of God’s creation is beloved.  But people are especially beloved.  How we treat each other—how we love each other—is the way we truly show the world that we are Christians!

But we are not born knowing how to love one another.  We generally learn that in our families.  And even if we grew up in a great Christian family, some of the habits we picked up along the way are likely less than ideal.  For example, some of us grew up in houses where it was not okay to be angry.  So we learned to suppress our anger.  But that is not a long-term solution!  As adults, we have to learn how to work through our anger in constructive, not destructive ways.  Some of us grew up in families where it was not okay to question adults.  But as we became adults, we realized, we never learned to be assertive.  We have to learn how to confront people who aren’t being fair with us or others.  Some of us grew up in homes where sharing was mandatory.  But as we became adults, we realized, we don’t want to share all the time, we need some self-preservation!  We have to learn to set and maintain boundaries with people.  There are many new relationship skills we need to learn, and practice so they become habits, if we are going to be happy and healthy.

All of us were born into a family that had its own rules and patterns.  But when we were baptized, we were re-born into the family of Jesus.  At our baptism, each us is given the same family name:  Christian.  In the family of Jesus Christ, there are rules and patterns that are likely a distinct contrast with patterns and habits you absorbed from the way of the world.  Our job as disciples is to get to know ourselves better, and allow ourselves and our relationship habits to be transformed by the power of Christ.

For instance, Paul wrote, “Therefore—meaning since you are meant to put on the new self—each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body.”  Easy, right?  I don’t think many of spend much time going around telling lies.  But how good are we at speaking truthfully to our neighbors?  Probably not as good as we’d like to be.  Some social scientists have observed that, as a society, our ability to have face to face conversations, and look people in the eye while we talk, has dropped off dramatically in the last fifteen years.  Even just polite conversation is a challenge these days, let alone talking about anything controversial!  How can we get better at speaking truthfully to our neighbors?

To answer that question, I looked to a Christian ministry out of New York City called Emotionally Healthy Discipleship.  They advocate a technique designed to help us speak truthfully to our neighbors.  It’s called the Community Temperature Reading, or CTR for short.  It’s a template for having a conversation with another person, or in a group.  There are five sentence stems, and each person takes a turn sharing their thoughts on as many of the prompts as they wish.  The five sentence stems are

I appreciate…
I’m puzzled…
I notice…and I prefer
My new information is…
I hope…

The idea is that, as we share our thoughts in these categories, we “raise” the temperature in our relationships.  Things get warmer when we can speak the truth in love with each other.  The Community Temperature Reading is a tool to help us share light and brief information.  One person at a time shares their thoughts on all five sentence stems (or as many as the group has agreed to).  And then the roles are reversed.

By way of example, I might ask Phil if we could do a community temperature reading, as a way to check-in with each other.  If I were sharing first, I would start with the first step, which is, “I appreciate…”  That’s easy.  I might say, “Phil, I appreciate how you made dinner on the grill tonight.  That was delicious!”  It’s always good to start with something positive, and the thing I like about this step is, sometimes we appreciate a lot about our partner or friend or family member, but we never think to tell them!  Doing this exercise helps us articulate what we might otherwise leave unspoken.  It helps us name the truth!

The second step is designed to help us name the truth as well, although this one might be harder.  It’s “I’m puzzled…”  If I were doing the Community Temperature Reading with Phil I might say, “I’m puzzled why you changed the thermostat.  I thought we agreed to leave it at 72 degrees.”  The idea here is not to start an argument.  It’s to speak the truth in love.  The researchers who developed this tool assert that using the word “puzzled” is a loving and less judgmental way to talk about issues.  You’ll have to try it out, and let me know what you think!

The other person’s job is to listen without defending themselves or getting judgmental, and without responding except to acknowledge they have heard their partner.  So this would not be the time for Phil to give an explanation.  He is to listen until I have finished sharing my thoughts on all five sentence stems (or as many as we’ve agreed to do).  After I share, then he shares his thoughts on the sentence stems. And then, after things have “warmed up”, then we might continue our conversation on any specific items that were brought up during the exercise.

So, to review:  I appreciate…, I’m puzzled… and now we get to complaints.  Everybody’s favorite, right?  But the rule here is, no complaining without offering a possible solution.  So I might say to Phil, “I notice that you  used the last of the ketchup and didn’t say anything.  I prefer if you let me know, or write it on the grocery list, so I can get more next time I’m at the store.”  By using this technique, we are admitting that having complaints in our relationships is NORMAL!  And instead of tip-toeing around about our complaints, we are learning a way to address problems and offer solutions without judgment, in an open and loving way.

The fourth step to the Community Temperature Reading is New Information.  Often this new information is rather basic, such as “My new information is I have a meeting on Thursday night.”  Or it might be something much more personal.  This might seem obvious, that we need to share new information with others, but I can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt friction in relationships because I just did not get the information!  Communicating new information helps us avoid conflicts, and it helps our relationships grow.

And lastly, the Community Temperature Reading gives us the opportunity to share our hopes and wishes.  When we share our hopes and dreams—and when others listen well to our hopes and dreams—our relationships are instantly enriched.  If I were doing the Community Temperature Reading with Phil, I might say, “I really hope we can do something special next year for our 35th wedding anniversary.”  Which is true!  Or it might be, “I wish we could see our kids more often.”  Sharing our hopes and dreams can be poignant.  It requires vulnerability.  It should only be done with people you trust.  It is the best way to deepen your connection with another person.

So that is the Community Temperature Reading Tool.  Five sentence stems, starting with “I appreciate…”, “I’m puzzled…”, “I notice… and I prefer”, “My new information is…”, and “I hope or I wish…”  These sentence stems can help us put off falsehood and speak the truth in love.  They can help us speak truthfully instead of pretending everything is fine when there’s something difficult weighing on us.  You may want to share this technique with people in your life and ask if you can practice together.  But even if you don’t use the whole Community Temperature Reading template, the sentence stems give us a starting place to talk about important issues.  Since we are all members of one body, we want to talk about issues in constructive, not destructive ways.  We are only hurting ourselves if our speech hurts other people.

I think this tool has great potential for us.  What difference might it make if, when you have a complaint or a concern, you start that difficult conversation with, “I appreciate…”?  Right away you’re strengthening the connection with the other person, so hopefully they can hear your concern or complaint and address is productively.  What difference might it make if, instead of accusing or criticizing someone else, you simply asked, “I’m puzzled as to why you do that?”  And especially if you started with an appreciation!  What difference might it make in your relationships if you had the courage to state your needs directly, and share your hopes and wishes?  In order to be members of one body, we must communicate well with each other.  We have to find ways to speak the truth in love.

Many years ago, Phil and I helped organize a marriage workshop for couples in our church.  I remember our pastor, who was a licensed marriage and family counselor, saying, “There is no such thing as ‘you should just know’!”  He had worked with many couples who were upset because their partner didn’t anticipate their wishes, or didn’t “just know” what was bothering them.  While there are many relationship and spiritual skills we can learn, reading other people’s minds is not one of them.  We can’t expect people to read our minds, either.  We all have a God-given voice.  Learning to speak the truth in love is one of the ways we put on that new self, which was created by God in true righteousness and holiness.  May we become people who make a serious commitment to learning how to put off falsehood and speak truthfully and constructively.  Amen.

 

Benediction:

Put your hope in God’s Word and let your own words be truthful and constructive.  May God always hear your voice.  May Christ Jesus raise you to new life; and may the Holy Spirit nourish you for the life of love.  Go in peace to love and serve your Lord, Amen.