This week I saw an article in Readers Digest about relationship jokes.  One of the jokes reminded me of some people in my family:  “My girlfriend and I always laugh about how competitive we are.  But I laugh more.”  For some people I know, true love includes real rivalry!  I also liked this joke:  Ladies, if he can’t appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.”  Get it?  Mango? Phil and I would not still be together if we didn’t have the stomach for each other’s cheesy jokes!  But the joke that made the biggest impression me this week is a riddle:  what type of ship has two mates but no captain?  A relationship!

I know, I am the worst joke teller.  But when it comes to being in relationships—whether that’s in our families, our workplaces, our churches—laughter helps!  Good humor can help us get through a lot of hard things together.  What is it they say, laughter is the best medicine?

I don’t think Jesus would disagree that good cheer and light-hearted humor are good for our spirits.  But in our scripture lesson today, he offers us different relationship advice when things are hard:  to talk about the issue directly with the people involved.  See, that’s why I started this sermon with a couple jokes.  Because this is a hard teaching!  No one wants to do this.  When someone does something that upsets me, I much prefer to pretend nothing is wrong.  Or I might be tempted to complain to a third party.  It is very hard to “confront”—to address the issue face to face, front to front, with the person who has hurt us.  But contrary to what Readers Digest says, in our relationships we don’t just have mates.  We have a captain.  And this is what Jesus our captain wants us to do.

We get the sense from the preceding verses that Jesus offers this teaching because relationships are really important to him.  He’s been talking about the importance of humility, pointing out that if you want to be great, you need to become like a little child not a puffed up self-important adult.  He’s been talking about the importance of seeking the lost and making sure we don’t put any stumbling blocks in the way of faith.  He urges us to be inclusive and says “in the same way your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones be lost.”  Staying connected is how we keep the faith.

So Jesus says, if your brother sins against you, do all you can to keep connected!  Don’t immediately cut off from the relationship, or let the relationship just fade away.  Go and talk to your brother!  If he listens to you, you will have won your brother over.  You will have saved the relationship!

If he doesn’t listen to you, don’t give up.  Get two or three others to join you, and go speak to him again.  These two or three others, they should be like you, people of prayer and humility.  With their help, try to repair the relationship.  But if that doesn’t work, tell the church, and if he refuses to listen to the church, then treat him as a pagan and a tax collector.

Scholars point out that this teaching has most likely been embellished by Matthew—because of course, the church did not exist when Jesus was walking the earth!  It is unlikely that Jesus said, if someone sins against you, after you try talking to them privately, and then after you try bringing two or three others along, “tell it to the church”.  In Jesus’ day, the local synagogue functioned as a local court as well, and Matthew wants to make it clear that Jesus is carrying this idea forward for how Christians are to order their lives together.  Although Jesus will go on to talk about forgiveness, it’s important to point out that Jesus never advocates we pretend bad things didn’t happen.  He does not encourage us to simply “let things go” if they have been hurtful or harmful.  Jesus does not want the bad behavior of Christians to go unchecked and thus embarrass the Body of Christ or hurt any sheep in the fold.  Jesus calls for direct confrontation because that is the best strategy for preserving our relationships with each other.  That is the best strategy for staying connected.

Relationships are so important, one of my classes in seminary was completed devoted to conflict resolution.  You have probably heard me talk about the three-step system for conflict resolution I learned there:  Step (1), if it’s minor, let it go.  Give others the benefit of the doubt, give people the grace you’d like to receive.  If ultimately it’s no big deal, don’t make it one!  But if it’s not minor, then you need Step (2), direct confrontation.  Go and speak to that person privately.  And if that doesn’t work, then Step (3) is to involve others.  What I have noticed in the twenty years since I first learned this three-step protocol is that no one likes Step 2.  We much prefer to involve others before ever talking to the person directly, or to simply let it go (or pretend we have let it go but fester in silence).  Rarely are we enthusiastic about direct confrontation!

Last week we talked about what a relief it is to own our mission, even if our mission is bigger than we previously thought.  Even if the assignment is more than we’d like to take on, we feel a sense of peace when we finally come to terms with it.  I think Jesus’ teaching in our scripture lesson today is a good example of that.  We would prefer that our mission never include having to have difficult conversations with people.  But that would mean having a mission that discounts the importance of relationships, and we can see from Jesus’ teaching that being connected is of ultimate importance!

Our mission is always going to include doing those things that protect our relationships with one another.  Which means taking Jesus’ relationship advice.  Having hard conversations.  Getting a few others involved if needed.  On rare occasion, even involving the whole church.  And then, if it still doesn’t go well, being willing to part ways, always though maintaining the hope that things will get better.  Look at how Jesus regarded sinners and tax collectors!  Matthew himself was a tax collector!  So treating someone as a sinner or tax collector means, no situation is hopeless.  But there may be times when separating from people is the best way to love our neighbors as ourselves and stay true to God’s calling for us.

I know, this is tough stuff!  It’s not the stuff of jokes in Readers Digest.  But there are a lot of resources that can help.  One reason I think we are nervous about talking to others directly is, we don’t know how they are going to react.  Our Old Testament lesson today teaches that people are different, and we may need different approaches to work with different kinds of people.  Christian psychologist and author Dr. Henry Cloud elaborates on these verses and offers what I think is a very helpful model.

Dr. Cloud says the Bible talks about three kinds of people:  wise people, foolish people, and evil people.  Now, it’s not to say each person fits neatly into one of these three categories. Actually, all of these descriptors can apply to all of us from time to time!  But it’s a way to strategize how to work through problems with other people.  The main question is, what does this person do when they are confronted with the truth? What should you anticipate if you talk to them directly about what is wrong?

Dr. Cloud says wise people hear the truth, and change themselves as a result.  They are ultimately thankful for the feedback, even if it was hard to hear.  They want to change and grow.  When the light comes to them, they adjust themselves to conform to the light.  The Bible says, “Correct a wise person, and they will be wiser still.”  It’s never easy to hear feedback.  It’s never easy to hear how we may have hurt someone or sinned against someone, and it’s not easy to be the messenger, either!  But we bring glory to God when we work through problems directly, when we speak the truth in love, with gentleness and humility, when we give the other person the opportunity to hear the truth and make adjustments.

But not everyone wants to hear the truth.  Some people, when the light comes to them, instead of adjusting themselves, they try to adjust the light!  They blame others, they minimize the problem, they deny there’s anything wrong, they might even shoot the messenger.  When the truth comes, instead of changing themselves, they try to change the truth.  The Bible calls people like this foolish, because they don’t learn.  They don’t change.  They make excuses, they get angry, they won’t own the issue.  It can be very frustrating to be in relationship with someone like this.

So Jesus says, get two or three others.  Get support.  And ultimately, we need to set limits.  If you try to talk to someone about a problem, and the problem continues, at some point you have to conclude, talking is not helping.  So stop talking, and instead, set limits, set consequences, put boundaries around the problem behavior.

And lastly, there are evil people.  Bad people.  We don’t ever like to think this way, but there are people in the world with destruction in their hearts.  When the truth comes to them, they respond by intentionally causing pain.  Jesus gives us instructions to distance ourselves from people like that, but again, keeping in mind that he never gave up on sinners and tax collectors, distance ourselves for now.  Sometimes, separation and protection are needed to preserve the mission of the church, to preserve ourselves, to preserve other relationships.  Paul wrote in Titus 3 about rejecting a divisive person.  Jesus wants unity in the Body of Christ.  But Jesus is fully aware of the presence of evil, and how wounded people can wound others.  Sometimes we have to protect the sheep from the wolves.

It feels like a weird transition, but right after Jesus gives the instructions about what to do if someone hurts you, he offers a few sentences on prayer.  “Again, I tell you, that if two of you agree upon earth upon any matter for which you are praying, you will receive it from my Father who is in heaven.”  This is a hard teaching, because we have all prayed with others for things we didn’t receive.  One commentator I read suggested that these verses are meant to apply to the two or three witnesses Jesus wants us to get as we try to work through a problem with someone.  God will bless the work of the church as it seeks to handle difficulty in our relationships.

But another commentator I read thinks these verses pertain to any matter we might be praying about.  William Barclay says, though, that Jesus is only promising to fulfill unselfish prayers, and as human beings, most of our prayers are in some way selfish prayers for our own escape.  And always, God’s answer is not to simply help us avoid pain, not of escape from trials—but victory over them.  I thought that was a very interesting point.  How often have we prayed to be relieved of struggle, relieved of worry, relieved of suffering.  Jesus himself prayed for those things!  But God does not answer our prayers with escape hatches.  Instead God answers our prayers with victory, with resurrection, with life forever.

This week I started reading a book on healthy relationships called “Growing Yourself Up” by Jenny Brown.  She says that she brought into her marriage two very common myths:  the idea that her husband would “just know” what she wanted, and the idea that she could change him.  Thirty years later, she’s still unpacking how those subtle fantasies are at work in her marriage, and I think it’s safe to say they are work in the church, too!  If someone has hurt you, don’t expect them to “just know”.  Jesus’ teaching puts the onus on the victim to speak up.  Jesus’ teaching makes each of responsible for addressing the things that are bothering us.  Not with the goal of changing the other person.  For Jesus, victory looks more like preserving the relationship.  Strengthening the connection.  Deepening our communion.  When we’re committed to that, Jesus promises to be with us.

The church is a ship where we have many mates, and we also have a captain!  May we have the wisdom and courage to follow Jesus’ teaching, for the good of the Body of Christ, and the glory of God.  Amen.